I want to say

I want to say I take it all back
I want
I want to take it back I want it none of it
to be ever have happened not
when I saw you step over the rope
when we went to New York for a week
but stayed upstate when you punched me
hard in the solar plexus in Prague
when I looked in your face and saw myself
looking back smiling when we went on another trip
and another all the trips I want to have
stayed home I want to have seen the clouds
drifting past my car window to have listened
to that sound the bridge makes driving over it
without thinking of you always it was you

I want

I want to be fresh I want to roll out of bed
as though it were my first morning in a new state
I want nothing more than absolution of sins
a negation but there is no way to subtract here
I cannot remove this growth that appeared
seemingly overnight I cannot cut you away from myself
I cannot forget what has already and will always have been
I cannot get out of a new bed ever
New York will always be as it was when I saw it first
with you my breathing will always be labored outside
of the cafe I will always see you when I look in a mirror
of someone’s face the reflection of missed thoughts missed
words will cease to give meaning the center will come out
of me I will make a new center yes I will drag what is
your center around with me and repeat and repeat again
I cannot want cannot want want not