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1---
2title: 'Liking Things'
3project: 'Book of Hezekiah'
4project-order: 7
5project-prev: 'problems.html'
6genre: 'prose'
7...
8
9The definition of happiness is *doing stuff that you really like*. That
10stuff can be eating soup, going to the bathroom, walking the dog,
11playing Dungeons and Dragons; whatever keeps your mind off the fact that
12you're so goddamn unhappy all the time. That, incidentally, is the
13definition of like: *that feeling you get when you forget how miserable
14you are for just a little bit*. Thus people like doing stuff they like
15all the time, as often as possible; because if they remember how
16horrible they really feel at not having a background to put themselves
17against, they will want to hurt themselves and those around them.
18
19The funny thing is that something we people really like to do is hurt
20ourselves and those around us. We do this by thinking other people are
21more unhappy than we are. We convince themselves that we are truly
22happy, ecstatic even, while they merely plod around life half-heartedly,
23or, if they're lucky, incorrectly. We take it upon ourselves (seeing as
24we are so happy, and can spare a little bit of happiness) to help them
25become happy as well. We fail to realize that the people will probably
26not appreciate our thinking that we're better than they are somehow, for
27that is what we do even if we don't mean it. We forget that we are also
28unhappy, and that we are just doing things we like in order to cheer
29ourselves up a little bit, which really means that this cheering is
30working; but there is such a thing as working too well. So in a sense
31what I'm doing here is cheering myself up by reminding you that you are
32unhappy; I'm trying to keep you honest in your unhappiness; and I admit
33this is usually called a dick move.
34
35In fact, the best way to overcome happy-hungering (this is the term as I
36dub it) is commit as many dick moves as possible, to keep people
37remembering that unhappiness abounds. If you see someone smiling like a
38little dog who knows it's about to get pet or get a treat or go to the
39vet to donate doggy sperm, smile back. Grin toothily (a little too
40toothily for a little too long). Their smile will start to fade if
41you're doing it right. Saunter to them, slide as if you're an Olympic
42quality ice-skater, as if you're a really good bowler who knows he's
43playing against twelve year olds and'll win by a hundred. Get really
44close. Far too close for what most people would call comfort. And remind
45them of how awful life can be: "I really like your [shirt][]---really only
46children chained to looms can get that tight of a weave," you can say,
47or "You're not really going to recycle that coffee cup, are you?" They
48will probably get angry, but that's what's supposed to happen. By making
49dick moves, you can overcome what may be the biggest evil on this earth:
50Happy-Hungering.
51
52[shirt]: theoceanoverflowswithcamels.html