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1---
2title: 'Moving Sideways'
3project: 'Book of Hezekiah'
4project-order: 5
5project-prev: 'proverbs.html'
6project-next: 'problems.html'
7genre: 'prose'
8...
9
10A dog moving sideways is sick; a man moving sideways is drunk. Thus if
11you want to be mindful of the movings of the universe sideways, become
12either drunk or sick. By doing this you remove yourself from the
13equation, and are able to observe, without being observed, the universe
14as it dances sideways drunkenly.
15
16Shit wait. The problem is not that by observing you are observed
17(although quantum mechanics may disagree[^1]), because obviously dogs
18don't know we're observing them when we watch them through cameras in
19their little yard while they play and eat and poop---who poops knowingly
20on camera? The problem is *the actual act of observing that distorts the
21world into what we want it to be*.
22
23What I want to know is this: Why is this necessarily a problem? The dog
24is made, by mankind, to frolic and poop and sniff and growl and dig. Why
25cannot the man be made to observe the world incorrectly around him, and
26worry about it? Men have always wandered about the earth; does it not
27make sense that also they should wonder in their minds what makes it all
28work?[^2] In fact this is the very center of the creative being: the
29ability to move sideways, to dance with reality and judge it as it
30judges you, much like teenagers at the junior prom.
31
32Of course, reality doesn't judge us back. But that doesn't mean that it
33doesn't! If you think it's judging you, then *observe in your
34surroundings your own insecurities*. It is obvious that this way of
35doing things is far from vogue; usually projecting [inner pain][] onto the
36outer world is classified as pathology. However, this is because it is
37assumed that the outer world is *on its own terms*, which it obviously
38isn't, as far as we know. It follows that as [there is no backdrop][backdrop]
39against which to judge our quirks, the quirks must not exist. Thus all
40is right with the world.
41
42[inner pain]: telemarketer.html
43[backdrop]: philosophy.html
44
45[^1]: Quantum mechanics, as is well known, are the most hornery and
46 least agreeable of all mechanics. The cost to get one quantum
47 serviced is usually at least eight times more expensive than the
48 cost of an average automobile tune-up, for reasons not clearly
49 known. The quantum mechanics themselves claim it's the smallness of
50 their work that justifies the price, but it doesn't really look like
51 they're doing anything, and besides, my quantum always seems to
52 break again within six months---maybe I'm just driving it too hard.
53
54[^2]: I attempted to strike this terrible pun from the account, but
55 Hezekiah demanded I keep it if he were to continue the relation of
56 his prophecy-slash-advice column