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1 | --- | ||
2 | title: Moving Sideways | ||
3 | genre: prose | ||
4 | |||
5 | id: movingsideways | ||
6 | toc: "Moving sideways" | ||
7 | |||
8 | project: | ||
9 | title: Book of Hezekiah | ||
10 | class: hezekiah | ||
11 | order: 5 | ||
12 | next: | ||
13 | - title: Problems | ||
14 | link: problems | ||
15 | prev: | ||
16 | - title: Proverbs | ||
17 | link: proverbs | ||
18 | ... | ||
19 | |||
20 | A dog moving sideways is sick; a man moving sideways is drunk. | ||
21 | Thus if you want to be mindful of the movings of the universe sideways, become either drunk or sick. | ||
22 | By doing this you remove yourself from the equation, and are able to observe, without being observed, the universe as it dances sideways drunkenly. | ||
23 | |||
24 | Shit wait. | ||
25 | The problem is not that by observing you are observed (although quantum mechanics may disagree[^1]), because obviously dogs don't know we're observing them when we watch them through cameras in their little yard while they play and eat and poop---who poops knowingly on camera? | ||
26 | The problem is *the actual act of observing that distorts the world into what we want it to be*. | ||
27 | |||
28 | What I want to know is this: Why is this necessarily a problem? | ||
29 | The dog is made, by mankind, to frolic and poop and sniff and growl and dig. | ||
30 | Why cannot the man be made to observe the world incorrectly around him, and worry about it? | ||
31 | Men have always wandered about the earth; does it not make sense that also they should wonder in their minds what makes it all work?[^2] | ||
32 | In fact this is the very center of the creative being: the ability to move sideways, to dance with reality and judge it as it judges you, much like teenagers at the junior prom. | ||
33 | |||
34 | Of course, reality doesn't judge us back. | ||
35 | But that doesn't mean that it doesn't! | ||
36 | If you think it's judging you, then *observe in your surroundings your own insecurities*. | ||
37 | It is obvious that this way of doing things is far from vogue; usually projecting [inner pain][] onto the outer world is classified as pathology. | ||
38 | However, this is because it is assumed that the outer world is *on its own terms*, which it obviously isn't, as far as we know. | ||
39 | It follows that as [there is no backdrop][backdrop] against which to judge our quirks, the quirks must not exist. | ||
40 | Thus all is right with the world. | ||
41 | |||
42 | [inner pain]: telemarketer.html | ||
43 | [backdrop]: philosophy.html | ||
44 | |||
45 | [^1]: Quantum mechanics, as is well known, are the most hornery and | ||
46 | least agreeable of all mechanics. The cost to get one quantum | ||
47 | serviced is usually at least eight times more expensive than the | ||
48 | cost of an average automobile tune-up, for reasons not clearly | ||
49 | known. The quantum mechanics themselves claim it's the smallness of | ||
50 | their work that justifies the price, but it doesn't really look like | ||
51 | they're doing anything, and besides, my quantum always seems to | ||
52 | break again within six months---maybe I'm just driving it too hard. | ||
53 | |||
54 | [^2]: I attempted to strike this terrible pun from the account, but | ||
55 | Hezekiah demanded I keep it if he were to continue the relation of | ||
56 | his prophecy-slash-advice column. | ||