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1---
2title: Moving Sideways
3id: movingsideways
4genre: prose
5
6project:
7 title: Book of Hezekiah
8 class: hezekiah
9 order: 5
10 next:
11 - title: Problems
12 link: problems
13 prev:
14 - title: Proverbs
15 link: proverbs
16...
17
18A dog moving sideways is sick; a man moving sideways is drunk.
19Thus if you want to be mindful of the movings of the universe sideways, become either drunk or sick.
20By doing this you remove yourself from the equation, and are able to observe, without being observed, the universe as it dances sideways drunkenly.
21
22Shit wait.
23The problem is not that by observing you are observed (although quantum mechanics may disagree[^1]), because obviously dogs don't know we're observing them when we watch them through cameras in their little yard while they play and eat and poop---who poops knowingly on camera?
24The problem is *the actual act of observing that distorts the world into what we want it to be*.
25
26What I want to know is this: Why is this necessarily a problem?
27The dog is made, by mankind, to frolic and poop and sniff and growl and dig.
28Why cannot the man be made to observe the world incorrectly around him, and worry about it?
29Men have always wandered about the earth; does it not make sense that also they should wonder in their minds what makes it all work?[^2]
30In fact this is the very center of the creative being: the ability to move sideways, to dance with reality and judge it as it judges you, much like teenagers at the junior prom.
31
32Of course, reality doesn't judge us back.
33But that doesn't mean that it doesn't!
34If you think it's judging you, then *observe in your surroundings your own insecurities*.
35It is obvious that this way of doing things is far from vogue; usually projecting [inner pain][] onto the outer world is classified as pathology.
36However, this is because it is assumed that the outer world is *on its own terms*, which it obviously isn't, as far as we know.
37It follows that as [there is no backdrop][backdrop] against which to judge our quirks, the quirks must not exist.
38Thus all is right with the world.
39
40[inner pain]: telemarketer.html
41[backdrop]: philosophy.html
42
43[^1]: Quantum mechanics, as is well known, are the most hornery and
44 least agreeable of all mechanics. The cost to get one quantum
45 serviced is usually at least eight times more expensive than the
46 cost of an average automobile tune-up, for reasons not clearly
47 known. The quantum mechanics themselves claim it's the smallness of
48 their work that justifies the price, but it doesn't really look like
49 they're doing anything, and besides, my quantum always seems to
50 break again within six months---maybe I'm just driving it too hard.
51
52[^2]: I attempted to strike this terrible pun from the account, but
53 Hezekiah demanded I keep it if he were to continue the relation of
54 his prophecy-slash-advice column.