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authorCase Duckworth2015-03-25 21:49:45 -0700
committerCase Duckworth2015-03-25 21:54:26 -0700
commitecda49e0b20ad3bd52449356dccf2f8095ecfb70 (patch)
tree4789dd035fa827edf280fd8234d014b171de1c38 /what-we-are-made-of.txt
parentFix makefile re: RIVER crashing (diff)
downloadautocento-ecda49e0b20ad3bd52449356dccf2f8095ecfb70.tar.gz
autocento-ecda49e0b20ad3bd52449356dccf2f8095ecfb70.zip
Flatten directory structure
All content files (*.txt, *.html, *.river) are now in /.
I did this to simplify the compilation step, and to make
linking easier.  I'm still thinking about whether I should
move the contents of js/, img/, and lua/ into /, or into
an 'assets' folder of some sort.  We'll see.
Diffstat (limited to 'what-we-are-made-of.txt')
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diff --git a/what-we-are-made-of.txt b/what-we-are-made-of.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..304cc17 --- /dev/null +++ b/what-we-are-made-of.txt
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1---
2title: What we are made of
3id: what-we-are-made-of
4genre: prose
5
6project:
7 title: Autocento of the breakfast table
8 class: autocento
9...
10
11There is a cave just outside of Flagstaff made from ancient lava flows.
12We went inside it to where the darkness was a presence, it walked with us like a Christ, our footsteps fell dead on its walls.
13We learned what space felt like, and drowning, and being crushed, and going blind and deaf.
14We made up words to push the feeling away, to goad it like mockingbirds fighting hawks.
15We called it creepy to its face.
16It stared back dispassionate.
17
18In a bathroom I know there is a low thrumming that comes from the air ducts in the ceiling.
19It comforts me in the same way the smell of toilet-water calms my stomach, it is a sound so close to quiet, so close to the porcelain whiteness of the toilet, it pushes all other noise away.
20It is deafening quiet in its most real form, its most realizable form.
21
22The eggs on the floor, broken.
23Not the eggs in their journey to the floor or from the farm or from the hen on the farm, in the cage, glowing under fluorescent lights, its neighbors pressed to its body, rotten-smelling, grotesque.
24Not the fateful meeting with the floor.
25Not the long wait in darkness for the fluorescent dawn, cacophonous with pain and smell.
26None of this: the sunlight on the kitchen tile, the refrigerator softly humming, the eggs on the floor.
27The yolks glistening.
28
29I compose with music best.
30Under its meaninglessness [I am able to hear the silence][], a different meaninglessness, a somehow-deeper meaninglessness, the inverse of repeating a word until it is only sound.
31I can hear the taboo, the never-spoken, unacknowledged.
32I write to drown its sound, with the scratching of my pen.
33
34Silence lies underneath us all in the same way \
35the Nile has a river underneath ten times as large \
36(though this is an urban legend, apparently) \
37
38I threw a party in my dream and went to the bathroom, down a long dark hallway.
39I began to leave and noticed the bathtub full of stuffed animals in a heap.
40I examined them each in turn: an elephant, a tiger, each backgrounded by white tile.
41A warthog sat at the top of the heap.
42It caught my eye, I stared, it slowly winked, sneering.
43I reached out my finger and poked it, like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
44It responded in kind, chuckling.
45I woke with a start, terrified.
46It had made no sound.
47
48There are at least two kinds of silence, in the same way that there are at least two kinds of sadness.
49There is the silence of after, the staring, open-mouthed silence, the what-do-we-do-now silence.
50There is the silence of before, the still before rainfall, the just-woken-up.
51
52There is, now I'm thinking about it, the silence of between:
53the waiting room after the heart attack,
54after the phone call,
55after the hurried drive,
56the fast walking down hospital hallways,
57the finding the room,
58my family,
59their faces the silence of after,
60the TV quietly playing _Maurie_,
61the silence underneath that; the waiting room _before_ the doctor comes in,
62tells us what happened,
63the chances,
64before my parents drive down,
65their three long hours in the car,
66before we become the Hospital People for five days,
67camped-out,
68loud,
69cackling,
70crying,
71doing crosswords,
72watching her die.
73
74The silence of wondering whether we could've known each other better.
75
76The silence of the long trip we prefer to believe she's gone on, which is really the silence of her absence.
77
78The eggs on the floor, broken.
79
80In other dreams, all I've watched all of my family dying.
81My father I remember best: he was on the wicker rocking chair on the porch, staring at the back yard, the evergreen trees in a magic triangle, their branches intertwined.
82We were all on the porch, and I heard like a far-away bell the moment of his death.
83I woke up crying, my throat closed with grief.
84
85Leaving after the goodbye at the hotel, [realizing I won't be home][] until Christmas, that I'm on my own long trip, someone on the radio station I'm listening to in the car screws up transferring tapes, broadcasts dead air.
86The silence yawns like a chasm, lasting for years.
87[The wind picks me up and carries me away][], I see everything from a great height, I see the future.
88I'm waiting.
89
90[I am able to hear the silence]: music-433.html
91[realizing I won't be home]: lappel-du-vide.html
92[The wind picks me up and carries me away]: riptide_memory.html