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| 1 | --- | ||
| 2 | title: I wanted to tell you something | ||
| 3 | genre: verse | ||
| 4 | |||
| 5 | id: i-wanted-to-tell-you-something | ||
| 6 | toc: "I wanted to tell you something" | ||
| 7 | |||
| 8 | project: | ||
| 9 | title: Autocento of the breakfast table | ||
| 10 | class: autocento | ||
| 11 | ... | ||
| 12 | |||
| 13 | | I wanted to tell you something in order [to][] | ||
| 14 | | explain the way I feel about the [Universe][], | ||
| 15 | | its workings, etc. But I couldn't [yesterday][] | ||
| 16 | | ---I'm sorry---I wanted only to [ball][] | ||
| 17 | | myself up and cry all day. It was the [sixteenth][] | ||
| 18 | | day in a row this happened to me, and to [be][] | ||
| 19 | |||
| 20 | | more than two weeks waiting to cry is, | ||
| 21 | | especially when, the whole time, I wasn't able to, | ||
| 22 | | absolutely horrible. It was no sweet sixteen, | ||
| 23 | | I'll tell you that much. Unless at yours, the Universe | ||
| 24 | | kept telling you to quit having such a ball | ||
| 25 | | and that you should have died, like, yesterday. | ||
| 26 | |||
| 27 | | At first, it feels like you're winning---that yesterday | ||
| 28 | | you really were meant to die, but since you still _are_, | ||
| 29 | | you beat the system somehow. But the Universe bawls, | ||
| 30 | | "No, I meant you should've crawled into | ||
| 31 | | a hole and fucking _died_!" And then the Universe | ||
| 32 | | punches you right in the gut, something like sixteen | ||
| 33 | |||
| 34 | | times, and all you can think is, "Some sixteenth | ||
| 35 | | birthday! Maybe I will go die in a hole." Yesterday, | ||
| 36 | | at times like this, is a luxury the cruel Universe | ||
| 37 | | refuses to give you. This is when it's a pain just to _be_, | ||
| 38 | | when that Marvell line about "[rolling our stuff into one ball][Marvell]" | ||
| 39 | | just seems glib, when you don't want one body, let alone two. | ||
| 40 | |||
| 41 | | Something else that may come as a surprise to | ||
| 42 | | you: over the past more-than-a-fortnight, these sixteen | ||
| 43 | | days, I've had nothing to eat but crackers and a cheese ball. | ||
| 44 | | (That's not entirely true---yesterday | ||
| 45 | | I had some candy, peppermints and Jujubes.) | ||
| 46 | | Maybe this is why I'm so mad at the Universe--- | ||
| 47 | |||
| 48 | | because all it has ever wanted, this Universe | ||
| 49 | | that gave me life, fed me from its breast til I was two, | ||
| 50 | | and even before that, made a place in which I could be--- | ||
| 51 | | all it's wanted was for me to take the sixteen | ||
| 52 | | steps to sobriety, fold the Eight-Fold Path over yesterday | ||
| 53 | | and step around it lightly, as I would an exercise ball, | ||
| 54 | |||
| 55 | | but the problem is, dear Universe, there's no way I could be | ||
| 56 | | something as hard as all that, to wake up yesterday | ||
| 57 | | morning, stretch over my sixteen selves, bound out like a ball. | ||
| 58 | |||
| 59 | [to]: poetry-time.html | ||
| 60 | [Universe]: initial-conditions.html | ||
| 61 | [yesterday]: exasperated.html | ||
| 62 | [ball]: ouroboros_memory.html | ||
| 63 | [sixteenth]: sixteenth-chapel.html | ||
| 64 | [be]: love-as-god.html | ||
| 65 | |||
| 66 | [Marvell]: http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/marvell/coy.htm | ||